Afternoon Tea in Bath

“Well, what shall we do?”

“We could wander into town, and maybe see about having afternoon tea, or some sort of cake combination?”

“Oooh, that sounds like a good idea.”

[Team Weekend-in-Bath relocates from kitchen to the mean city streets.]

“Does anyone know where we’re actually going?”

“…I grew up here?”

“LEAD ON.”

[Team WiB manoeuvre through the streets until we pass a man playing with pigeons and encouraging them to climb on small children.]

“…I think I might be sick.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Oh God, it’s flying at me!”

“Oh, gross.”

“Quick, keep walking.”

“Where shall we go?”

“The Pump Room?”

“Shall we get you one of those veils, oh-bride-to-be?”

“…no, I do not want to wear one of those tacky, awful, glittery veils.”

[Team WiB enters the Pump Room and queues. Oh how we queue.]

[Twenty minutes later, we sit down.]

“What are you having?”

“I don’t know. What are YOU having?”

“I’m thinking tea.”

“Yes, but what about food?”

“Yes, afternoon tea.”

“All that? That’s never just for one person.”

“No, it is, you get a little bit of savoury, and a little bit of sweet.”

“That’s a lot of food.”

“It won’t be a round of sandwiches. It’ll be like one little finger sandwich. And one scone, and a couple of petit fours.”**

“What are you going to have to drink?”

“BOOZE. Sorry, I mean, if they’ve got a glass of prosecco, I think I might treat myself.”

“Oooooh! They’ve got cocktails!”

“I’m having a bellini.”

“I’m having a pot of tea.”

“But they’ve got booze?”

“I know, but…hang on.”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Annabel, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“OK, what were we saying?”

“Are we ready to order, or do we need a few more minutes?”

“We’re ready.”

“BRING US ALL THE FOOD AND ALCOHOL. And a rosehip and pomegranate iced tea, and a pot of Darjeeling.”

“So, are we all excited for…hang on.”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Edith, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“So, are we all excited for the wedding?”

“Have you got an outfit yet?”

“I swear I’m not buying anything until the day before. I’m not! I can’t tell how fat I’ll be!”

“Oh, you! You’ll look lovely.”

“You do still need to make a decision about flowers.”

“Yes, I was thinking…oh, hang on.”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Jaaaa-mes, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“Right, so…what’s the plan once we’ve finished here?”

“I’d like to have a look in the Superdry outlet shop.”

“That can be arranged.”

“I’m going to go home and take a nap.”

“What a bloody good idea. I am going to do the same.”

“Me too.”

“I want to shop! I’m child-free for the first time in a year!”

“Then you MUST take advantage!”

“I’d like a browse.”

“OK, then why don’t…hang on.”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mary, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“…why don’t you three go and browse the shops, enjoying your lack of responsibilities, and we three will go home and take naps?”

“That sounds like…”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Belinda, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“…a really good idea.”

“OK, have you got…”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Steven, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“…a key to the house?”

“Yep, I think we’re good.”

“OK, shall we get the bill?”

“Where are the loos?”

“They’re just…”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Hannah, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“…down the corridor.”

“OK, I’m going to wait outside, because if there’s one more…OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE….”

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Jenny, happy birthday to you.” [Waiter brings out cupcake with lit candle shoved in the top. Round of applause.]

“Get out. All of you. We’re leaving.”

[Team Weekend-in-Bath exits the Pump Room, heads held high, bellies full of cake.]


** There are absolutely no prizes for guessing that this comment was made by me, in my role as expert Afternoon Tea Eater.

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