Young Couples in Love

Dear Teenage Couple on the Bus,

Congratulations. Congratulations on being in love. It’s a heady state. I remember it well. Sadly.

Congratulations on your ability, too, to make an entire bus full of people be a little bit sick in their mouths with the noises of your kissing.

It’s a masterful achievement. I mean, for me, that really was the crowning moment during my forced observation of your sickening love-fest. It topped the hysterical giggles, the ‘playful’ shrieks, the muttering to one another in a low voice…even your ability to take up two seats and three-quarters of the aisle. I mean, seriously. Vomiting into my own handbag at the sight of your tongues attempting a choreographed waltz just made my day perfect.

I mean, I knew I was about to be in the presence of a love story more magnificent, more legendary, more timeless than, say, Romeo & Juliet, or Abelard & Heloise, or even Arthur & Guinevere, when you hailed the bus. The two of you, entwined on the very edge of the pavement, holding out your hands together, like even one millimetre of space between your bodies would render your love invalid…and then the way you giggled as you shoved each other onto the bus? Splendid, truly, truly, splendid.

And then, when you sat down the seat together, somehow managing not just to entwine yourself together in the two seats, but also to take up so much of the aisle it was impossible for the frail old lady to squeeze past you? Oh. My. God. It was magnificent. I felt emotional. I felt awed. How could I be in the presence of such adoration as you have for each other?

And like I said, when you started attempting the tango with your tongues? And the sucking noise could be heard from the back of the bus? Truly a tune as old as song. Thank God there are you two lovebirds to remind us of what true love looks like. THANK GOD.

I mean, especially when the little bits of spittle began to fly around you, like comets orbiting a sun? Well, of course that happened, because otherwise, your love would not be the immense powerhouse that it so obviously is! (Please see my earlier comments about vomming in handbag.)

And, of course, I must congratulate you on the filthy look you gave that young mother when she said “Excuse me,” as she tried to get off the bus with her toddler. I mean, the flesh so nearly melted from her bones. And you were so condescending with your feigned ignorance – it was beautiful.

I am inspired by you both, I really am. I’m jealous of your beautiful love for each other, and I really resent that I don’t have someone to slurp the face off of on the bus.

Thank you for sharing your love with us all. You are all that is good and beautiful and pure in this world. Please continue to do this at every opportunity because if you don’t? We’ll all die of sadness.

With heartfelt congratulations to you both, on the occasion of finding another pimple-splattered, pig-faced oik with which to share your venereal diseases,

A Curmudgeonly Old Bitch


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