Baby Names Game: Episode Two

What with the birth/naming of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana this weekend, it seemed appropriate to start the new week with another installment of the baby names game. Especially as, after the last post I did, yet more lunatics, I mean, readers, submitted their families for assassination.

I will start by saying that Charlotte Elizabeth Diana isn’t that great a name. OOOOOH. Controversial. But it’s not. I mean, they obviously couldn’t call her Theodora, or Kiki (*shudder*) but Charlotte? For a royal princess? Unoriginal, Kate. UNORIGINAL.

Also, and I don’t want to show off my eighteenth-century knowledge here (alright, I do), but it’s a bit of a risk to have named the baby Charlotte.

Princess Charlotte of Wales was an extremely popular princess in the early 1800s, and ended up being considerably more popular that her grandfather (George III, or “mad King George”) and her selfish, philandering father (George IV – who ended up competing for popularity against his wife, Caroline of Brunswick). She died at 21 in childbirth, devastating the country and leading to the hasty and short-lived marriage of the Duke of Kent and Strathern, who fathered the eventual Queen Victoria.

ON THAT HAPPY AND CHEERFUL NOTE, I shall proceed with the sets of names I have been given. Again, these are mixed in with other examples to protect the guilty.

First up we have Max(imilian) and Martha Alice May. Now, to be honest, I am not sure if Martha is Martha (middle names Alice May) or Martha-Alice-May (like Milly-Molly-Mandy). But Max and Martha? Quite nice. They’re different genres, but the decision to use ‘M’ as the theme is acceptable. I do not disapprove.

Secondly, we have Jasmine, Levi, Isaac, and Rio. 

I’m not actually sure I can look at this set of names without feeling a bit queasy. Jasmine is fine. Pretty, floral, summons up images of a Disney princess etc. etc. Levi and Isaac are themed together – the story of Joseph and his tecnicoloured dream coat comes to mind. All three of those names are alright, I suppose. I wouldn’t choose any of them. Individually, they’re fine. Collectively, they’re…Not Good. But then we come to Rio. RIO. RIO!!! For God’s sake, the kid’s already the youngest in a family of four – he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him at home, and now, thanks to his mother, he’ll get the shit kicked out of him at school! That assumes he’s male, of course. If Rio is the name of a girl, then her mother obviously hoped she’d dance through the dusty land and really show you all she can. [*holds hand up for a high five for the Duran Duran reference*]

Thirdly, we have Dean, Dee and Mark…….whyyyyyyyyyyyy? MARK. There are a MILLION NAMES THAT BEGIN WITH D! WHY????????? And I think Dean and Dee are a bit close together…unless that’s what the parents were going for? They just start shouting the letter D and one of the children will appear? In which case, WHY MARK? I have to move on, because, eurgh. My brain hurts from trying to comprehend.

Fourthly, we come to Victor, Magnus, Luca & Isla. I’m so disappointed with this one. It started so promisingly, and then devolved into…well, something disappointing. Luca? Isla? No, no, why? Are you Italian? No! Leave the name Luca to the nice Sicilians who own it. And Isla? It’s so passé. If you’re going with something as magnificent as Victor & Magnus as your opening act, your finale has got to bring its A game! Victor, Magnus, Winston & Claudette. Victor, Magnus, Cecil & Kitty. Something absolutely effing glorious. Luca & Isla are NOT RIGHT.

Fifthly, Louis, Elmo & Cora. I’m just gonna leave this one here. Because bugger me. Elmo? These people hate their children. ELMO. Seriously. ELMO.

Finally, I share with you one of my favourite sets of names ever: Oscar, Matilda & Rupert. In my head, these children live in a ramshackle country house, and have a springer spaniel called Wellington. And Matilda rides a fat brown pony called Nibbles and shows serious potential as a barrister (she’s very good at well-rationed arguments, as her father discovered when he was persuaded to buy her Nibbles against his better judgement). Oscar is showing an aptitude for rugby, and Rupert is going to be a painter. Their imaginary surname is Bramley-Hawkins, and I LOVE THEM ALL.

Disclaimer: This is, of course, written entirely for comedic purposes and offence should not be taken.

8 thoughts on “Baby Names Game: Episode Two

  1. I hope you die in a fire, you vile, disgusting, maggot. I hope your skin peels slowly and you die writhing in excruciating agony. I hate you so much. Do us all a favour and die already. God must hate you too, since you’re such a shtty person. Btch. Btch. Btch. Fck you.

    Disclaimer: No offense intended.


    Clearly, saying “no offense” after saying offensive things is ridiculous and unconvincing. Disclaimers like that are rubbish. They’re just a lazy way of tarring people who take issue with what you say, so that you can say “it’s just a joke, calm down”.

    But, presumably, you do actually mean the things you say in your blog. Unless you’re playing a farcical character as part of a parody of intolerance (I haven’t quite given up hope that this is what you’re doing).

    But if you mean the things you say then, please, I implore you, reflect on whether your judgemental attitudes are conducive to the kind of person you want to be. Perhaps engage your tolerant and compassionate side, and recognise that people have different tastes and that is fine. If someone wants to call a kid Rio or Elmo (which has risen dramatically in popularity in the last 20 years), then fine. If someone does something you wouldn’t choose to do, but they’re not hurting anyone, try saying “if they’re happy about that, then I’m happy for them.”

    Also, you seem to love british names and hate foreign ones (at least ones that haven’t been westernised by Disney films). Maybe have a think about that.


    1. Hey! It’s my anonymous comment friend! How you doing?

      First up, thanks for taking the time to read a second of my blog posts. (I presume you’ve read at least two, but since you’ve only commented on two of them, I can only thank you for reading two.) Every view counts! Also, your IP address tells me where you’re from, and I don’t think I have any friends who live in that part of the country, so that’s awesome. Thanks for supporting even though you’re obviously not part of my day-to-day life. Anyone who reads my blog boosts my viewing stats, so that’s helpful, as when I “go pro”, (if I ever do), I can point to your comments and say, “Sponsor my blog, I reach strangers!”

      Secondly, that is some *seriously impressive* insulting you’ve got going on there in that comment. I mean, top-notch. Well done you. In fact, I’m going to take forward some of it and incorporate it into my own insulting lexicon. I have to high-five you for that. Seriously, hold up your hand *high-fives*

      Thirdly, it’s a tiny point, really, almost inconsequential, but you spelled “shitty” and “bitch” wrong. Also “fuck”. Since you’re obviously in the business of being correct, I thought you’d just like to know.

      Finally, I just wanted to say that if you ARE reading the rest of my blog, I hope you’re enjoying it. I seem to be making a lot of people laugh, so I hope you are laughing too, since life is too short for misery. If you’re not, and you’ve literally sought out these two posts to comment on, then I’m a bit confused as to why. Do you love sets of baby names too? Are you a fellow aficionado? Or are you just looking for something to upset you? Because you seem very upset by this. And I kind of think seeking out stuff that upsets you is a recipe for disaster.

      Maybe my blog, my humour, my view of the world doesn’t suit you. That’s absolutely fine – our diversity as a species is what makes us glorious. But if that is the case, then I politely request that you apply your own advice and decide not to come back and read any more posts. They’re obviously upsetting you, and I don’t want you to be upset by what makes me happy. And I also can’t work out why you’d seek out something that makes you unhappy.

      Maybe I do know you after all, and you feel obligated to support this blog. If that’s the case, you are hereby absolved of all commitments to me and to my blog. Maybe you should unfriend me on Facebook, and stop following me on Twitter as well? I’m not sure there’s room in my life for someone I offend so deeply.

      If I don’t know you, you’re not reading and enjoying the rest of my blog, and you’re literally seeking out these posts to make you unhappy, then please let this be the last I see of you. I’ll think of you fondly, appreciate your comments, but…I think this relationship is over. Don’t you?


      1. Of course I don’t mean those horrible things I said in the first paragraph; they’re a parody of your blog post. The insults and the disclaimer are there to illustrate that saying nasty things (like being judgemental about people’s sincere tastes about their babies’ names) are not negated by simply saying “no offense intended”.

        Curse words are deliberately misspelled.

        I honestly didn’t mean to upset or offend you, I thought you’d understand that the first paragraph is a parody. I mean, the comment goes on to implore you to be compassionate. The first paragraph is not exactly compassionate, so there must be something else going on there.

        P.S. I don’t know you. I just read baby name blogs a lot.


      2. Honestly, I tried hard to write insults that were horrible and inflammatory, but couldn’t actually affect you adversely. They’re just silly venomous noise. Horrible, yes. But a parody and not sincere. You might well be a lovely person (judgemental attitudes about baby names notwithstanding). Sorry to have upset you.


      3. I should have opened with the words “imagine if someone said this to you:”

        Probably, I shouldn’t have commented at all. I do feel awful about it. If I could go back and delete it, I would.

        I was really just trying to show you that I thought what you were saying exhibited a lack of compassion. I became the monster I hated.


      4. You didn’t upset me. You entertained me, and I meant what I said about the insulting – it was really good. I’m not being sarcastic – I was genuinely impressed when I read it. It was inventive and characterful. I seriously high-five you for the insulting. I hope you are that eloquent in real life. And I am sincerely thanking you for coming to read my blog more than once. It’s genuinely hard to get your writing out there, and to know someone has stumbled across this and come back a second time? Pleasing. I won’t lie. Very pleasing.

        Regarding the content of my post: I kind of hoped that the tone with which I was writing made it obvious it was not serious, and that opening with the clarification that people I know had submitted their baby names for (and I quote) “assassination” made my position on this clear. I also think you might have missed the point of my posts – I’m not judging the people, just the set of names, separate from anything the are associated with. I’m projecting my own feelings onto a set of random names. I explained that at the start of the first post. What names go well together? Do they match? Do they come from the same genre? Why would someone choose to call their child something that might get them bullied at school? This is my reaction to baby names, and (I really can’t emphasise this enough), the sets are mostly from friends and family members who volunteered their names. So…it’s meant in good fun, I wouldn’t tell someone to their face that their baby names are horrid, and I’m pillorying people who have voluntarily put themselves forward.

        The people who are reading my blog are being entertained by all my posts, even the ones they don’t like as much. But maybe you’re not, and that’s also fine. But this is my suggestion – maybe this isn’t the blog for you. Because I’m not going to apologise for writing this, and I’m not going to stop, either. I’m not offended or upset by you, and you have a right to your opinion (and seriously, the skin-peeling insult was…amazing), but you need to know that I’m going to carry on with this. So, if you want to hang around and see what else I’m throwing down, you’re welcome to stay. Defend the names you like! Disagree with me! Healthy debate is good! Change my mind about a set of names I find repugnant! Offer me some diverse suggestions!

        But if you’re just going to tell me I’m intolerant, uncompassionate and hint that I’m somehow offering racist judgements on name sets, then, like I said, not the place for you. But thank you for visiting. I do appreciate the time you took to read and comment.


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