What with the birth/naming of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana this weekend, it seemed appropriate to start the new week with another installment of the baby names game. Especially as, after the last post I did, yet more lunatics, I mean, readers, submitted their families for assassination.
I will start by saying that Charlotte Elizabeth Diana isn’t that great a name. OOOOOH. Controversial. But it’s not. I mean, they obviously couldn’t call her Theodora, or Kiki (*shudder*) but Charlotte? For a royal princess? Unoriginal, Kate. UNORIGINAL.
Also, and I don’t want to show off my eighteenth-century knowledge here (alright, I do), but it’s a bit of a risk to have named the baby Charlotte.
Princess Charlotte of Wales was an extremely popular princess in the early 1800s, and ended up being considerably more popular that her grandfather (George III, or “mad King George”) and her selfish, philandering father (George IV – who ended up competing for popularity against his wife, Caroline of Brunswick). She died at 21 in childbirth, devastating the country and leading to the hasty and short-lived marriage of the Duke of Kent and Strathern, who fathered the eventual Queen Victoria.
ON THAT HAPPY AND CHEERFUL NOTE, I shall proceed with the sets of names I have been given. Again, these are mixed in with other examples to protect the guilty.
First up we have Max(imilian) and Martha Alice May. Now, to be honest, I am not sure if Martha is Martha (middle names Alice May) or Martha-Alice-May (like Milly-Molly-Mandy). But Max and Martha? Quite nice. They’re different genres, but the decision to use ‘M’ as the theme is acceptable. I do not disapprove.
Secondly, we have Jasmine, Levi, Isaac, and Rio.
I’m not actually sure I can look at this set of names without feeling a bit queasy. Jasmine is fine. Pretty, floral, summons up images of a Disney princess etc. etc. Levi and Isaac are themed together – the story of Joseph and his tecnicoloured dream coat comes to mind. All three of those names are alright, I suppose. I wouldn’t choose any of them. Individually, they’re fine. Collectively, they’re…Not Good. But then we come to Rio. RIO. RIO!!! For God’s sake, the kid’s already the youngest in a family of four – he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him at home, and now, thanks to his mother, he’ll get the shit kicked out of him at school! That assumes he’s male, of course. If Rio is the name of a girl, then her mother obviously hoped she’d dance through the dusty land and really show you all she can. [*holds hand up for a high five for the Duran Duran reference*]
Thirdly, we have Dean, Dee and Mark…….whyyyyyyyyyyyy? MARK. There are a MILLION NAMES THAT BEGIN WITH D! WHY????????? And I think Dean and Dee are a bit close together…unless that’s what the parents were going for? They just start shouting the letter D and one of the children will appear? In which case, WHY MARK? I have to move on, because, eurgh. My brain hurts from trying to comprehend.
Fourthly, we come to Victor, Magnus, Luca & Isla. I’m so disappointed with this one. It started so promisingly, and then devolved into…well, something disappointing. Luca? Isla? No, no, why? Are you Italian? No! Leave the name Luca to the nice Sicilians who own it. And Isla? It’s so passé. If you’re going with something as magnificent as Victor & Magnus as your opening act, your finale has got to bring its A game! Victor, Magnus, Winston & Claudette. Victor, Magnus, Cecil & Kitty. Something absolutely effing glorious. Luca & Isla are NOT RIGHT.
Fifthly, Louis, Elmo & Cora. I’m just gonna leave this one here. Because bugger me. Elmo? These people hate their children. ELMO. Seriously. ELMO.
Finally, I share with you one of my favourite sets of names ever: Oscar, Matilda & Rupert. In my head, these children live in a ramshackle country house, and have a springer spaniel called Wellington. And Matilda rides a fat brown pony called Nibbles and shows serious potential as a barrister (she’s very good at well-rationed arguments, as her father discovered when he was persuaded to buy her Nibbles against his better judgement). Oscar is showing an aptitude for rugby, and Rupert is going to be a painter. Their imaginary surname is Bramley-Hawkins, and I LOVE THEM ALL.
Disclaimer: This is, of course, written entirely for comedic purposes and offence should not be taken.