The wonderful thing about an impossible situation is that it makes it absolutely impossible to sleep, which means one has lots and lots of time for updating one’s blog.
Good evening, and welcome to this special late-night edition of Loops & Flicks. Tonight, our host, Anxiety Insomnia, will be giving us a run down of the top fifteen ways to bore a hole in your brain so you get some damned sleep.
Wait, no, sorry, apparently that’s too violent, even for after the watershed. Anxiety Insomnia would like to all to observe her presence though: she’ll be the heaving, twitchy mass lying in the centre of the studio. We’ll just work around her.
So, as you may have gathered, Things Are Afoot dans my little life…and this is absolutely not the time or the place. But they are Troublesome, so Anxiety Insomnia has very kindly come back from her retreat to keep me company.
How thrilling. I’m delighted. (Why is there no sarcasm font?)
I’ve already covered the most obvious sleep-inducing attempts. I shall detail them for you now.
- Be tired: I have got this covered. Trust me, I am all over the “be tired” part of bed time.
- Wear comfy pyjamas: I am resplendent in turquoise and pink. Check!
- Get into bed: yes, I did that.
- Turn pillow to cool side: did that too.
- Snuggle something or someone dear: check!
- Hum to yourself: la la laaaaaa…
- Listen to loud music: “shake it off, shake it off, I-I-I shake it off…”
- Listen to quiet music: “la laaaaaa, lalalalalala…”
- Play games on phone: top score!
- Lie awake staring at the ceiling and wondering why you’re still awake……….oh, that’s not right.
So, in the hopes of finally drifting off, I have hopped out of bed this night, and hotfooted it into my kitchen to make my magical sleep elixir. Also known as instant diabeetus.
Things you will need: Whisk! Milk pan! Milk! Cocoa! Sugar! Additional lovelinesses! (Tonight it is dark chocolate and hazelnut syrup.) Mug!
Put milk in pan. (A mug-ful of milk.) Add three teaspoons of cocoa. Add half as much sugar. Put on hob. WHISK THAT SHIZZLE UP.
Is it hotter? Awesome. Add the additional loveliness. Tonight was 30g of dark chocolate and three teaspoons of hazelnut syrup. (Alternative ideas: 30g other chocolate? Caramel syrup or sauce? Dulce de leche? Whiskey? Dark rum? WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT, PEOPLES.)
WHISK THAT SHIZZLE TOGETHER! KEEP HEATING!
When the magical mixture bubbles gently at the edges of the pan and it looks like it’s about to go “I’m boiling!!!!!!”, take it off the heat. Whisk for thirty more seconds. Get mug. Tip mixture from pan into mug. Tip from mug into face (wait a few minutes so it doesn’t burn your skin off.) (You could, if you were absolutely wildly daring, add in an extra step: between pan to mug transfer and mug to face transfer, throw marshmallows on the top for delicious.)
Aaaaaaand by that point, your brain will be so confused, it’ll switch off when you get back into bed.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to, in the words of the Grinch, lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness….
Thanks for coming, step over Anxiety Insomnia on your way out. Thanks. Thank you. Good luck!