Calling An Automated Phone Computer Thingy

When I went off to Australia last year, I tried to buy one of those add-on packages for my mobile phone, that allows you to make calls, send text and use the internet in foreign countries. I logged into my online account, and tried to buy the package. Although the buggers took my money, they didn’t give me the additional package. So, I tried to see if I could enable it online. When they took my money a second time, I sighed, and decided to do the unspeakable….and telephone them.

The following transcript is not verbatim, just…what I can remember through the rage blackout I experienced.

Me: [humming, dialing the number]

Computer: Hello! Thank you for calling Mobile Nightmare. Your call is important to us. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: Well, none of those are what I want. I’ll hold.

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: I’m holding.

Computer: I’m sorry, I think I missed that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: OK, holding.

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: MY GOD. OK. [presses 2]

Computer: OK, to make a payment using our automated phone system, please have your card ready.

Me: But I don’t want to make an automated phone payment! I want to talk to someone!

Computer: Please enter the long card number using your telephone’s keypad.

Me: [hangs up, takes some deep, slow breaths] OK, let’s try again.

Me: [dialing the number]

Computer: Hello! Thank you for calling Mobile Nightmare. Your call is important to us. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: Well, none of those are what I want. I’ll hold.

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: I’m holding. THIS TIME IT WILL WORK.

Computer: I’m sorry, I think I missed that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: OK, holding. [Oh, no….]

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: [presses 1]

Computer: Your current balance is 498 minutes remaining. You have unlimited texts. Thank you! [hangs up]

Me: [examines handset in surprise] Did the robot computer lady just hang up on me? She did, didn’t she? Holy hell. [redials number]

Computer: Hello! Thank you for calling Mobile Nightmare. Your call is important to us. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: I. Am. Holding.

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: [grinding my teeth]

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: [finger inches towards the ‘3’ button] Must….resist….continue….to…hold….

Fast forward three minutes

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please press 1 for a balance enquiry, press 2 to make a payment, press 3 to enquire about upgrades. For all other enquiries, please hold.

Me: HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO HOLD FOR? I AM HOLDING. HOLDING ONTO THE EDGE OF MY SANITY! HOLDING ON TO WHAT IS LEFT OF MY NERVES. JEBUS CRIPES. [starts pressing 0 * over and over again]

Computer: I’m sorry, I didn’t…didn’t…didn’t….didn’t….didn’t…..[powers down] [the line rings]

Actual Human: Hello, thank you for calling Mobile Nightmare, how can I help?

Me: I want to check that my travel bundle has been added, and get a refund for the mistake payment.

Actual Human: OK, I can do that all for you…..now. That’s sorted, Madam. Your travel bundle will be live from midnight, and I’ve refunded the additional payment to your card. Hope that’s OK?

Me: I love you.

Actual Human: Oh, hahahahaha!

Me: No. I’m serious. I love you.

Actual Human: Will there be anything else today?

Me: No. Just my love for you.

Actual Human: Hahahahaha, glad I could help, have a good day! Bye!

Me: [puts phone back in cradle, cries]

 

It took me, in total, six minutes and fifty seconds until I got to speak to an actual human, and the actual talking to a human solved the problem in 3 minutes. The whole phone call was nine minutes and fifty-five seconds. When Skynet inevitably takes over the world, all it will have to do is establish some stupid-ass phone computer chains, and we’ll be putty in its mechanical and metaphorical hands.

Oh, and they didn’t actually add the package properly, so I still had a phone bill for £120 when I got back. Splendid.

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