Do you have any idea what I’ve just been doing?
I have been wielding a pair of tweezers, trying to pluck out all the wiry black hairs that have suddenly decided to sprout from my face.
I swear this is some epic bullshit, right here.
At no point, in my life, has anyone mentioned that when you get older, all your face hairs start, one by one and with no rhyme, reason or pattern, turning into face pubes. For the longest time, I have had one long hair that grows out of the left-hand side of my upper lip. It was slightly darker that the rest of my face hair, but only noticeable in certain lights. I called it my “Twiddling Whisker”, because when I was thinking, I would twiddle it. Obviously.
Then, the ultimate betrayal. A few months ago, I noticed that the Twiddling Whisker was well on its way to single-handedly being one half of a Poirot moustache. I tweezed it out, and presumed it was due to my twiddling. I stopped twiddling my whisker (that sounds like a filthy euphemism, I assure you it’s not).
But, Gentle Readers, this was not the case.
It grew back wiry and much, much darker! I trimmed it with scissors, but now I had stubble! Well, one stubble. All the other hairs were still behaving themselves.
BUT THEN! (Is there no end to this cruelty?) I noticed that out of my chin, two equally dark, wiry hairs were growing! I wielded my tweezers, but this was not a one-off. The follicles in question had turned to the dark side.
I booked in to my local beauty parlour, and had the face waxed. A week before I attended, I noticed that underneath my chin, a small patch of, admittedly white-blonde, hairs were growing wildly and without restraint. They formed the equivalent of a goatee, but it was not on my chin. It was underneath my chin, and therefore looked bloody weird. I asked about it when I went to get the face waxed, and the beautician assured me that everyone had hair under their chin.
Do they? Does “everyone” have a weird fluffy patch under their chin? DO THEY? NO NO THEY DON’T. I’LL TELL YOU WHO HAS WEIRD PATCHY CHIN HAIRS – TEENAGE BOYS ON THE STARTING LINE OF PUBERTY TRYING TO GROW A BEARD.
But alas, she would not wax it off for me. However, she did combat my moustache, and my chin hairs, and I was grateful for the taming of the rogue follicles.
However, that was NOT THE END OF THE HORROR. Another dark wiry hair sprouted out of my cheek (the middle of my cheek, what the hell, there’s no rhyme or reason for that shit) and another on the other side of my chin.
And now, now it is a waiting game. My tweezers and I scan my face each morning, hoping that this will be the last time I have to pluck out the bastarding things. And at the weekend, I got angry at my weird fluffy chin goatee, and waxed it myself. (Ow.)
I presume this is an ageing thing, because a few months ago, I caught my grandma trying to trim her rogue hairs with nail scissors and complaining about her prickly face fuzz. Only Grandma is eighty-five, and I’m not even thirty, AND she’s been through the menopause. So it really doesn’t seem fair that I should be falling prey to the same facial hair traumas as my grandmother!
Don’t even get me started on my eyebrows….