Lockdown Phenomena

Having been in quarantine since March 16th, I have noticed three key phenomena developing in that time.

Firstly, I’ve burned almost everything I’ve cooked in the last three weeks.

This isn’t like me. I’m a good cook. I’m creative and inventive and I make delicious food with a variety of interesting ingredients.

I managed to burn scrambled eggs the other day. Burn! Eggs! I have a foolproof recipe for scrambled eggs – they turn out perfect every time, creamy, well-seasoned, a perfect golden mound on the delicious crunchy toast – but, Gentle Readers, these eggs came out with crispy dark bits. Burnt scrambled eggs. Bleurgh.

Secondly, everything smells like cabbage.

Not when you get up close and take a whiff, of course. But the smells drifting through the house? Cabbage. My shampoo? Cabbagey. My farts? Cabbage central (but they usually are, so that’s no surprise.)

Why does everything smell like boiled cabbage?

It’s like being back in school again, and lining up for school lunches.

Thirdly, time is completely fuuuuucked uuuuup, man.

March lasted four and a half years, April lasted about three minutes. But even on a smaller scale: the time between 11am and 1pm lasts about four hours, when the time between 4.30pm and 7pm passes quicker than I can say ‘lickety split’.*

Meanwhile, sleep has gone the way of my bra i.e. I’ve put it somewhere, can’t find it and it’s likely never to be seen again. I’m intimate friends with the wee small hours now. But the sleep I am getting is lovely and restful. Just…short. Very short. And that may explain why I’m constantly a bit spacey.

The long and the short of it is: coronaquarantine has created some MOST interesting phenomena, and if science can explain it, I’d LIKE AN EXPLANATION PLEASE.

Also a nap. Thank you.


*I timed it, I can say ‘lickety split’ in 1.08 seconds.

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